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“The seeds of secure attachment are not built in grand moments, but in the quiet reliability of everyday connection and care.”
Let’s delve into a topic that touches the hearts of many parents and caregivers: sleep training and its potential long-term effects on a child’s attachment style.
Now, before you non-parents hit the delete button, I want you to know that this information is vital for everyone! Understanding attachment styles isn’t just about parenting – it’s about comprehending human behavior, including your own.
This knowledge can be transformative in developing empathy and forgiveness, both for yourself and others, when it comes to behaviors associated with challenging attachment styles.
As we explore this sensitive subject, we’ll look at recent research and insights that challenge some common parenting practices. But more than that, we’ll uncover how early childhood experiences shape our adult relationships, emotional responses, and overall well-being.
Whether you’re a parent, planning to be one, or simply interested in understanding human psychology better, this newsletter offers valuable insights into the intricate dance of human connection that begins in infancy and echoes throughout our lives
Many Parents Have Faced This Sleep Training Question
“Did you sleep train your baby by leaving her to cry it out in her crib?”
Some may answer, “Yes, we put her in her bed and she cried for about an hour, but eventually she soothed herself to sleep. It took several weeks, but now she’s so happy and easy to put to bed. It was difficult, but we thought it was worth it in the long run.”
This self-soothing method is often recommended by sleep training professionals. It’s promoted as a way to teach babies independence and help parents regain their sleep and sanity. On the surface, it seems like a solution: babies appear to learn to sleep on their own, and parents get much-needed rest.
However, this approach may be giving parents the wrong impression about what’s truly best for their child’s emotional development. While it may seem to help parents in the short term, the long-term consequences for the child’s emotional well-being and future relationships could be significant.
What if this common practice is actually causing harm that we can’t immediately see? What if, in our effort to foster independence too early, we’re inadvertently setting the stage for long-term emotional challenges?
As we dive deeper into recent research, we’ll explore a perspective that challenges this widely accepted parenting approach. We’ll uncover the potential hidden costs of the “cry it out” method – costs that may echo far beyond infancy and into our children’s adult lives, affecting their ability to form and maintain healthy relationships.
Is it truly in the best interest of our children’s emotional development? Let’s explore what science has to say about the long-term impacts of early sleep training methods, and why the apparent short-term gains might be masking deeper issues.
Recent research, including studies related to Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI), suggests that the self-soothing approach to sleep training might be more harmful than we realize.
Researchers set up a controlled environment to observe how babies with different caregiving experiences react to separation and reunion with their mothers.
Baby A: This baby had typically been cared for promptly by its caregiver.
Baby B: This baby had experienced the “self-soothing” technique of parenting, where it was often left to cry and soothe itself when in need.
The crucial twist in this experiment came when researchers tested the cortisol (stress hormone) levels in both babies’ diapers. Surprisingly, Baby B had three times the cortisol levels of Baby A. This revelation paints a drastically different picture than what was visible on the surface.
Baby A, who appeared more distressed, was actually experiencing a healthy attachment cycle: distress at separation, followed by comfort and stress reduction upon reunion. This baby felt safe expressing needs and trusting they’d be met.
Baby B, despite appearing calm, was internalizing significant stress. This baby had learned that expressing distress was futile, as past experiences taught that cries would go unanswered. The calm exterior masked a turbulent internal state, indicating the early formation of an avoidant attachment style.
This experiment vividly illustrates how early caregiving experiences shape a baby’s stress responses and attachment patterns. It challenges the notion that a quiet, self-soothing baby is necessarily a secure and unstressed one.
Children With This Attachment Style May Grow Into Adults Who:
This early experience of not having emotional needs met consistently can lead to the development of an avoidant attachment style.
As babies, our caregivers are our entire reference for human interaction. The relationship we build with them shapes how we view and interact with others throughout our lives.
Just as a baby spends nine months in the womb, the first nine months after birth can be viewed as a “second gestation” period.
During this time, the baby’s brain is rapidly developing, forming essential neural pathways and networks that will serve as the foundation for future emotional, cognitive, and social development. This period is crucial for building secure attachment.
Constant physical closeness, responsive care, and abundant nurturing touch are not just comforting for the baby – they are literally shaping the architecture of the developing brain. When we hold, respond to, and connect with our babies during this time, we’re not spoiling them; we’re providing the essential ingredients for healthy brain development and secure attachment.
This biological need for closeness explains why babies often become distressed when separated from their caregivers, especially during sleep times
The ability to self-soothe develops gradually as a child grows and matures. It’s not a skill that can be forced or taught through sleep training methods in early infancy.
Typically, babies start developing the neurological capacity for self-regulation around 6-9 months of age, but this varies greatly among individuals. However, even at this age, they still benefit enormously from co-regulation with caregivers.
True self-soothing abilities continue to develop throughout toddlerhood and early childhood, alongside the maturation of the prefrontal cortex – the brain region responsible for emotional regulation.
It is important to note that self-soothing doesn’t mean leaving a child to manage distress alone. Rather, it’s about providing a secure base from which a child can gradually learn to regulate their emotions.
This process is supported by consistent, responsive caregiving that helps the child feel safe and understood. As children grow, they internalize the soothing responses of their caregivers, which forms the foundation for their own self-soothing abilities.
For Night Time Parenting Void of Neurological Harm
This approach may require more patience and time, than the ‘cry-it-out” technique, short-term, but it lays the foundation for healthier emotional development and stronger parent-child bonds long-term.
The ability to self-soothe at night is deeply connected to a child’s experiences throughout the day. If children aren’t receiving consistent support and learning emotional regulation skills during waking hours, bedtime will inevitably be more challenging.
STRATEGIES
For Reflection and Integration
“A child’s cry is not a manipulation, but an invitation to strengthen the bonds of trust and love.”
Now that you know more about the importance of responsive parenting and secure attachment, you might be wondering:
“Are there any resources that can practically support my child’s emotional development?”
This is where the “Allow Your Feelings to Be Your Friends” toolkit comes in.
This comprehensive resource is designed to help children become comfortable with their emotions, express their needs effectively, and develop crucial self-regulation skills. It’s more than just a workbook – it’s a roadmap to emotional intelligence that will benefit your child throughout their life.
By investing in your child’s emotional intelligence now, you’re setting the foundation for healthier relationships, better stress management, and improved overall well-being in their future.
It is never too late to make changes that support emotional well-being and improve relationships.
With love and gratitude,
Note: If you’re struggling with attachment concerns or want to explore how early experiences have shaped your relationships, I’m here to offer support and guidance.
Please email me at: Please email me at: [email protected] or
Book a free 30-minute consultation with this link: https://calendly.com/30min-breakthrough-call
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